I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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