BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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