3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ketchup is God's man juice
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
