My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
