I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
