Porn is love you can see.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
