I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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