So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
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I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
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You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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