He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
