my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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