my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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