tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
