Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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