I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
