Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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