So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
