It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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