It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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