I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
