I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
