I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
