Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
