Your face is a jimmy john
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
