Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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