she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
