the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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