I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
