My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
