Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
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I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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