god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Randomize
