So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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