He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
