why didn't you poke me back
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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