Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
there is glitter all over my balls
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
