last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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