yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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