So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
