Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
