I just threw up on my dentist
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
