I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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