i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
