My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
