I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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