toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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