Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
