im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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