she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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