4 words: hood of his car
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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