he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
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I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
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There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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