Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
