Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
