in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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