Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
