She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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