OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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